Parenting a Perfectionist
Anxiety does not look the same for everyone. There tend to be two ways anxiety generally presents itself. We have those who wear their emotions on their sleeve, follow their impulses and their big feelings in very clear, obvious ways. Alternatively, there are those of us who, when we experience anxiety, tend to put our heads down, push forward, make it not look like a big deal, and then internalize it all – perfectionists!
Society sees it as a strength.
High-achieving, hardworking, outgoing perfectionists are the people who got us to the moon, who invented smartphones, changed the world... but it can have negative impacts on our relationships and our well-being.
You might be wondering: “what can I do to help my child when they get stuck?”
The first step is understanding what type of stuckness they’re in, then facilitating some strategies for a mindset shift. Stuckness thrives in uncertainty. When we are in new or uncertain situations, or we feel challenged or criticized, we tend to fall into two mindsets: Fixed and Fatalistic
The first is a “Fixed Mindset” which takes the view that change is unnecessary. The go-to response for uncertainty is to ignore obstacles, proceed full speed ahead, and put up defenses and avoid the pain of feeling incompetent. They are going to try and reject anything that makes them uncomfortable. This can be especially tough because it can damage relationships. You’re not picking up on cues from other people or what’s going on in the environment.
Then we have a “Fatalistic Mindset” which, instead of vigorous resistance, is more based in giving up or shutting down. This is more of a “screw it all” mindset – there’s no answer to this so I’m just going to give up. Dismissive avoidance is a way to detach from a problem, which might give some relief in the moment, but thrives in secrecy and always comes back to bite you.
In the middle is a “Flexible Mindset,” leaning in with curiosity, and being open to new things. This is originated by a type of therapy called Radically Open DBT, and helps us change the course to move around difficult things, take feedback, and adjust when things aren’t working.
What can we do when we feel stuck?
Instead of trying to fix or avoid – try to practice compassion instead. This involves paying attention to our feelings, acknowledging if we’re in our fixed or fatalistic mind, leaning in with curiosity, and reminding ourselves that this is a cycle we can break.
3 STEPS TO HELPING YOUR PERFECTIONIST
1. Lean in with curiosity – what is it they’re trying to resist? What’s holding them back?
2. Give some encouragement – don’t try to be an all-knowing perfect person. Normalize for them and model that it’s okay to make mistakes. Encourage them to do the opposite of whatever their fear is telling them – do it scared.
3. Allow them to share the feelings – not necessarily with you, but maybe to a friend, a journal, or a therapist. The process of releasing or venting is vital for healing.
Fear of criticism or fear of being the center of attention is normal. Vulnerability is scary. It’s natural for us to fall back into patterns of fixed or fatalistic mindsets, we’re just trying to protect ourselves. It’s important to validate our own emotions, as well as understand that our emotions are not facts.
If you want to learn more about Radically Open DBT for more strategies, check out the links below:
