Home for the holidays

For College Students and Their Families…

…the holidays can be such a difficult time of year for many. We all experience some level of those conflicting feelings of joy and gratitude to have time with our family and loved ones, while also feelings of stress and anxiety. For many of my college student clients, coming home for the holidays is a tough adjustment, especially after living on their own and stretching their independence muscles for the first time.

 

They feel like they are needing rest and relaxation after a hard semester at school, they have also gotten used to a certain level of independence, living by their own rules, timelines, and boundaries. For many, this is the first time they’ve had to truly be 100% responsible for themselves, which is a HUGE milestone, usually taking a lot of effort. Once they do find their footing though, their confidence grows every day, which is equal parts terrifying and awesome.


A common pattern that I’ve seen with my clients, I also remember vividly going through myself when coming home from college during breaks, is this weird shift in dynamics between parents and their young adult children. The boundaries are different, the relationship has shifted, and the social roles are in a new dichotomy of parent/child, and roommate. Another pattern is this subtle (or maybe not-so-subtle) experience of regression, for both college students and their parents, it’s like something in our brain takes in the familiar environment, and it puts us back into a mindset of previous years. Parents lean back into a caretaker roll, and young adults slip back into some level of dependency, and this happens in varying degrees for everyone.


I remember being in my early 20’s coming home for some school break and catching myself speaking to my mom like I was 16 again. It was something to the tune of: *angsty sigh* “Oh my god mom you’re so embarrassing” and then immediately thinking to myself, I’m an adult why am I acting like this? Your early 20’s isn’t too far off from 16, time-wise, but a lot of growth and evolution happens during those first years living on your own. Now, as a therapist working with many college students in my private practice, I see variations of these same patterns in my clients of unconscious regression: The adjustment to this uncharted territory for parents and their adult children for the short period of time while they are home. All of a sudden, new boundaries are becoming necessary, along with a new type of communication between adults, even though you’re still your parents’ kids.


Boundaries are beautiful things in scary wrapping. There are so many stigmatized narratives around setting boundaries, that they’re mean or unkind, that it’s a form of punishment or attempt to control others, when nothing could be further from the truth. When set intentionally and healthily, boundaries make relationships more positive and stronger. Communicating your needs, perspectives, and emotions to your loved ones in a clear and kind manner can go a long way.

Change is hard, letting go can feel impossible, but watching your child grow into an adult and supporting them as they learn how to set boundaries will help them in the long term. It will also keep your relationships with them safe and healthy.

If your college student is needing some extra support this holiday season, I am offering a short term, in-person group in Portsmouth, NH, that will meet twice a week for 4 weeks where we will share perspectives, provide support, and learn strategies to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Registration is now open and will close on December 16th, if you or a college student you love are interested or have any questions at all, reach out to me via email at hello@sarahsmahalicsw.com or by phone at (207)-507-7342. I would be happy to help you make this holiday safe and healthy.

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Parenting a Perfectionist