3 Do’s and Dont’s for parents of anxious teens

Parents want their kids to be happy, full stop. Parents want their kids to feel like they can come to them if something’s up. When parents start to notice their teens becoming withdrawn, anxious, and less likely to open up to them, it hurts. That’s typically where I come in as a therapist, to support teens and young adults individually to help them develop some coping skills, and realize their authentic selves. But where does that leave parents? You all deserve support too.

Anxiety can look different for different teens.

There are anxious kids who become high-strung and their anxiety is super-obvious and impossible to ignore. Then there are equally as anxious kids who seem fine because they’re avoiding the things that cause them anxiety. Perfectionism centered anxiety can fly under the radar, and is easily perceived by others as a hard work ethic, or great time management, when really they are struggling inside to keep it together.

Below are some tips and tricks from a therapist:

The do’s and dont’s of parenting anxious teens!

DO:

1. SELF-REFLECT.

Before even starting this process, do some self-reflecting. Journal, meditate, talk to a loved one: whatever method fits for you. The purpose of this self-reflection is to know what is your stuff and what you might be projecting onto your teen. Reflect on your values, your expectations, and your life experience (especially from your own teenagehood). This is going to allow you to come from a place of empathy and provide the open mindedness necessary for talking to anxious teens.

2. LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.

Imagine your line of communication with your teen as a door. You’re on one side, they’re on the other. You want them to walk through the door, or have a conversation with you. Your teen will not willingly engage in a conversation about anything whatsoever if they feel forced into it – no pushing or pulling anybody through that doorway. Just, leave the door open, remind them that it’s open, with no pressure or judgment for whatever they choose. It is very important to stay consistent with this strategy.

3. ASK QUESTIONS.

Open ended questions are a good way to engage in any conversation. For teens, I’m not talking about “How was school today” or “So what’s going on with soccer?”– 9 out of 10 teens are going to tell you it was “fine” and then go to their room. You need to integrate the questions into conversations that are already happening – in the car, at the dinner table, during a TV commercial, etc. Here are some examples of the type of questions I’m talking about:

“What did you want to do?”

“How do you think he/she/they will respond?”

“What are your options in this situation?”

“What can I help you with?”

DONT:

1. MINIMIZE.

Channel that feeling of annoyance or rage you feel when your teen rolls their eyes at you. Feel that? It’s not fun. This is the same feeling your teen gets when they hear things like “well that’s just high school” or “don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine.” Comments that give the same vibe as that eye roll. The more of these phrases they hear, they less they’ll open up.

2. FORCE IT.

Remember that door metaphor? You have to pick and choose your battles, or in this case, conversations. As you read before, your teen will tell you approximately nothing if you’re trying to force it out of them, or are seemingly trying too hard to be “chill”. Now depending on the situation, you may either want them to walk through this imaginary conversational door, or need them to – please be aware of this difference. If it is a safety concern, mandatory sit downs are necessary, absolutely. But if it’s just about why they’re in a bad mood all the time, just leave that door open.

3. EXPECT AN ADULT CONVERSATION.

It might feel good to have a successful kid, they are well-liked, get good grades, and talented. Teens are amazing, in a stage of life where they are figuring out who they are, and watching their blooming personalities is one of the most fulfilling experiences out there. But they’re not adults yet, they’re still kids, and you’re the adult. Being the adult means it’s your job to show them what the limits are. For example, if your child who has an amazing voice, messes up once and she’s ready to quit, there’s something deeper there. Be ready to administer a shift so they can be happier and healthier.

Parenting is no small feat in itself, but parenting anxious teens is a whole other ballpark.

Hope you got something out of this blog post. As much as I love helping and supporting teens and young adults, I’m just as happy to work with parents.

If you have any questions about anything I wrote here, or maybe something that I missed, please don’t hesitate to reach out.