It’s alright to miss a note: perfectionism for musicians

Ah the music industry: creative, beautiful, and fulfilling, you wouldn’t have made the choice to pursue music if you didn’t absolutely love it. However, the whole industry is steeped in tradition, which makes it almost impossible for young people to come in and do something new or develop individuality.

The unfortunate truth

…is that it’s extremely common for musicians to stay up until ungodly hours practicing a song or arrangement. Why do they do that? Most likely because if they don’t perform perfectly in their next lesson, their classical, probably esteemed coach will tear them to shreds and/or provide dismissive criticism. “If you can’t handle it, then leave” the passive-aggressive and excruciating comment made by actual professionals to actual students.

Sensitive, creative, smart people are being covertly mentally abused by directors, professors, managers, and coaches.

ASK YOURSELF…

What are musicians conditioned to thinking is acceptable? What are the fears? Common ones I hear are: “If I don’t take the criticism, there are dozens of my peers waiting to take my place who will;” “If I can’t add 5 new pieces to my rep by this semester then what’s the point?”

I want to take this time to tell you that it is NORMAL to get emotional when you get yelled at. It is not okay for musical superiors to expect perfect professionalism one day, then dismiss you like a child the next. Many professionals expect you to take their harsh critiques as constructive as if they weren’t laced with personal attacks.

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Right now, with COVID19 feeling unending, there is no work out there. As if musicians weren’t undervalued enough by society as a “real job”, support for musicians is even less now. No financial or emotional support. Aside from the global pandemic, it’s hard enough to get your footing - often, being a musician means that you’re expected to live and breathe music, do 3 different gigs in one day plus a day job? That is a LOT.

When you’ve neared the end or finished school, the expectations can make you want to give up, or spiral into negative thoughts about yourself: “I’m not good enough” “I’m not worthy of this;” “I don’t have the stamina to do all the things that encompass being a professional musician plus work 2 more jobs to pay my bills.”

Layer on top of that, friends and family who don’t get it. You’re practicing through the night, aiming to please that one teacher who is especially brutal, and your friends and family just don’t understand. Maybe you were raised by parents who couldn’t handle big feelings, but you feel things so deeply that it makes you question the validity of your emotions.

I would like to now direct your attention to the following facts:

• Beyonce fell on stage.

• Madonna fell on stage.

• Yo-Yo Ma has broken a string during multiple major performances.

Famous or professional musicians make mistakes all the time and we still love them for it, sometimes even more than before because they're human. And they all still have successful careers, people who love them.

Perfectionism, judging yourself, fear of being judged, processing difficult emotions: who can you talk to about all that? Reaching out to fellow musician friends who feel safe and will understand where you’re coming from. It is so important to find your support network of friends, biological or chosen family, or a professional who gets it.

Therapy for musicians

I’m not going to direct you or try to be your coach. We will work together towards common goals, your goals.

Therapy isn’t about constructive criticism, it’s a place where you’re in control, you can feel free to be imperfect, and find your authentic self again.

I would love nothing more than to help you get there.